For many days she had stopped believing. In a reflex, back at that moment, she had bit her upper lip, involuntarily tasting the lipstick (which tasted like fat) and stepping into realm of the non-believers. But it was a reflex; an instantaneous reaction, similar to when some people start screaming and running alongside others. The issue was that, she now couldn’t find a reason to not believe; and yet, she couldn’t believe again. She was unable to rebelieve.
Was she missing the believe? Not really. Was anything different, had anything changed since her change of mindset? Not really.
Hm, thinking now, maybe that was the problem. Nothing changed for not believing. This is, nothing more than unfulfilled expectations. In a glimpse, in the spur of the moment, she, unconsciously, jumped from one state to the other (and it might have been a very difficult jump) only to, in the end, gain nothing in return.
She felt ashamed that her consciousness slipped just for one second to allow spontaneous reactions. People kill in the spur of the moment! What would be her now, following prey to her own distractions? Biting her nails, tasting the salty things accumulated there, she swallowed her frustration. Well, at least, nothing changed. It was better this way. It meant she could go back to the same state she was before without having to spend energy. Not believing, hah, what a joke. Taking me out of my way. And just like that, she believed again.